Tales of the Parodyverse

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J. Jonah Jerkson
Tue Oct 31, 2006 at 07:17:02 am EST
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JJJ/Dancer Parodiopolis Theater Tie-in, Part 2
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JJJ- Dancer Parodiopolis Variety Theater Tie-in, Part Two
“Talent is supposed to suffer.”

Scene: The shabby, waterstained lobby of the Parodiopolis Variety Theater. Sarah Shepherdson and a hunched, scrawny man in tattered jeans and a grease-stained shirt are talking.

Shep: Don't worry, Mr. Linnelsen, you'll do a great job fixing the stairway. It's only three stories high.

Mr. Linnelsen (dubious): But wadda aboud da old paint? Dat sduff's from way back. Fulla lead and cadmium an' all dat udder stuff. Ya godda have masks un' blowers and seals un' everyding else to work on dat sh . . . Sorry, Miz Sheberdson, I mean sduff. An we godda fix dose sdairs and handrails before the concerd.

Shep (doing a surreptitious box step disguised as impatience): I'll bet that you find out that the owners were ahead of their time and used safety paint, Leo.

Mr. Linnelsen: I don't bed against you, Miz Sheberdson. Not afder you god me oud of dat welfare hodel and dold da coundy I qualified for da vederan's disabilidy.

Shep: Dat's -- I mean, that's the spirit. Leo. Now get going on those stairs.

Mr. Linnelsen (enthusiastically): You god da money for da maderials, right Miz Sheberdson? I'll need aboud twel' hunnerd dollars.

Shep (nervously): Of course, Mr. Linnelsen. I'll get it to you right away. Now get started. We have a show to put on Friday night.

J. Jonah Jerkson, VOICE OF THE PEOPLE (entering from the dank, dark foyer to the sound of screeching swinging doors that haven't been flung wide open in a decade): Where's that Sarah Shepherdson? I have a newspaper to run! You! Missy! Stop gabbling with that old bum and answer my question!

Shep: Just a moment, sir, I have to finish with Mr. Linnelsen here.

JJJ, VOtP: Bah! I said now!

Mr. Linnelsen: Dat's o.k., Miss Sheberdson, I know you'll find da money. (turns and shambles away)

JJJ, etc.: Where's that nitwit Shepherdson? Silly woman, fouling up the best thing that’s going to happen to this city – except possibly getting rid of Goldeneyed. Probably some green loony who wants to save the pigeons. Well, are you going to point her out to me, or are you too mentally incapacitated to do that?

Shep (not fazed at all): I’m Sarah Shepherdson, Mr. Jerkson. Are you here to do a feature on our charity concert for housing the homeless and defeating slimy, casting-couch-obsessed, evil producers?

JJJ: You ought to act more like a theater owner, then I wouldn't make that kind of foolish mistake.

Shep: It's all right, Mr. Jerkson. Everybody in Parodiopolis knows how overstressed you are.

JJJ: Really?

Shep: Of course. The janitors at Phantomhwk Memorial have a pool on the time of your next appearance in the emergency room.

Norbert Krum, JJJ's flunky (softly, from the shadows): So do we.

Shep: Oh, hi Norbert. How are the rare snails coming along?

Norbert (eagerly): Just great, Miss Shepherdson, thanks to you. Who else in town would have known there was a malacologist sleeping at the Zero Street Homeless Shelter?

Shep: Isn’t it a shame that there are so few jobs for experts on snails and slugs?

JJJ (trying to be ingratiating): That's so interesting, isn't it Miss Shepherdson? It's amazing what talents we have in this great city.

Shep: And that's why we have to have the Parodiopolis Variety Theater, Mr. Jerkson, so that all those great struggling talents have a place to perform. Without having to do private gymnastic shows in undress first.

JJJ: Talent is supposed to suffer. Otherwise no one would go into essential professions like classified ad proofreading. Or investment banking.

Shep: So you think the reason I don't see many investment bankers at the Zero Street Homeless Shelter is because their lives are so wretched?

JJJ: Don't stray from the point! What Parodiopolis needs to stay strong and fit is a new Slopp-Burger World Headquarters, and it has to be right here.

Shep: Gee, i've never heard "strong and fit" and “Slopp-Burger” in the same sentence before.

JJJ: Now look, missy, we can do this the nice way or the nasty way. The nice way is for Jerkson Enterprises to send in the movers and carry you and your amateur hootenanny to the dumpsters.

Shep: And the nasty way?

JJJ: I do it with lawyers. Lots of those bloodsuckers.

Shep: That should scare you more than I. My lawyer is Lisa Waltz.

JJJ (emoting just a little bit): That sleazy, underhanded, weaseling b**ch isn't going to save your preposterous collection of mountebanks this time, young lady. I checked you out. Norbert, what's the bank balance of the "Save the Parodiopolis Variety Theater Society"?

Norbert (in a quavering voice): As of opening of business this morning, twenty-two dollars and forty-six cents. Which is about double Miss Shepherdson's.

JJJ: Try getting any hired gun for that amount. Now, if you clear out in one hour, I'll give you six front row seats for tomorrow's demolition. Acme Explosives will really bring the house down. (waits for a reaction) Don't you get it? Bring the house down?

Norbert: Oh, bring the *house* down. Very witty, Chief. Ha-ha, ha-ha. So funny, I have to laugh. Ha ha. (Norbert's heart clearly isn't in it, but JJJ doesn't seem to care.)

JJJ (observing Shep with a keen eye): You're not laughing.

Shep: I appreciate your offer, Mr. Jerkson, but we're going to put on the best variety show ever and show Solly Bentman he can't push around talented but strangely under-appreciated dancers.

JJJ: Harrumph. Idealistic twaddle.

Shep: And besides, the show has to go on. The Parodiopolis Times has promised to review us and put a feature article on the front page.

JJJ: THE PARODIOPOLIS TIMES! THE PARODIOPOLIS TIMES!! THAT PRETENTIOUS, EDITORIALLY INBRED RAG IS REVIEWING THIS COLLECTION OF SPIVS AND CARNIES! AND FEATURING THEM? I'LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS! (JJJ continues his rant while stomping around the lobby)

Shep (standing very, very still): Norbert, can I get in on your pool? I've got $9.85 on me.

Norbert: Sure, Miss Shepherdson. It's a ten dollar bet, but I'll lend you the 15 cents. (takes out a small black notebook). You get double if you guess the cause.

JJJ: WALLACE WENTLING IV, YOUR DAYS IN THIS TOWN ARE NUMBERED! (continues ranting)

Shep (still motionless): Stroke, in about 15 seconds. (hands Norbert a wad of dollar bills and a handfull of small change in as an un-dancer-like manner as possible).

Norbert: You got it. (Jots in the notebook, then looks at his watch): Five, four, three, two, one. . . . Gee, those pills really wor-

JJJ (face a deep magenta hue): GAHHH! (collapses to floor)

Norbert: (dialling 911 on his cellphone in a routine, calm manner): Parodiopolis Paramedics? It's Mr. Jerkson again. Looks like a stroke. Parodiopolis Variety Theater lobby, Fifth and Park. . . . 9:42 a.m and 12 seconds. . . .You think Officer Blinky’s going to win it? That's the second time this year. . . . Our pool? Miss Shepherdson. . . . Yeah, she got in on it. (Norbert turns to check up on his employer. Sarah is kneeling beside him, loosening his tie and whispering encouragement until the paramedics prepare to wheel the newspaper magnate away.)

Norbert (about to follow JJJ to the ambulance): Let's see, a double payout, no overlap. That's about three grand, Miss Shepherdson. Congratulations. I'll send the check over right away.

Shep (calling down the hallway): Mr. Linnelsen? Good news.

JJJ: MARGLE INKL VOODER BLURGH!

Later that morning, the telephone rings for Shep.

Mrs. Adele Jerkson: Is this Sarah Shepherdson? I’m Adele Jerkson.

Shep: Oh, Mrs. Jerkson, I’m so terribly sorry about what happened to your husband. We did everything we could for him. It’s not like I wanted him to have that terrible stroke. They said he’ll need almost a month to recover. How are you handling it?

Adele: Yes, yes, it’s very tragic, dear, but I’ll pull through. Now, I’d like to make a $25,000 donation to your group. Who do I make my check out to? And can you schedule another concert in about two months?

J. JONAH JERKSON
Voice of the People (temporarily muted)



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